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Liberalism
Liberalism is a crack religion founded by Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in 2001 shortly after the events of 9/11. It contains a complex system of worship, daily obligations that must be specifically followed, a concept of an afterlife with a reward given freely to followers of the religion and punishment to non-liberals, the belief of many distinct deities and evils, and a few ties with other crack religions. It was founded during a few liberals having a bad acid trip. Origin Story It believes that the world was founded when John Locke, the founder of liberal thinking, took sand and dirt and formed Hillary Clinton, and crowned her supreme goddess. The witch then went on to corrupt many people during a battle with the benign Donald Trump in which her mind corruption potion was spilled on the minds of many former Christian Conservatives and changed them into whiny liberal bitches. Trump fled to his Scutum Publicae, roughly translated as "Republican Shield," along with millions of Conservatives who survived the disaster. From this day forward, Hillary Clinton has sworn to defeat Donald Trump someday. Deities According to the 63 Books of Liberalism (63 because they believe there are 63 genders, and one book per gender), there are 13 different gods and goddesses. # Hillary Clinton - believed to be the supreme goddess, also believed to rule over the world. # Kanye West - believed to be the one who clutches the lives of people and allows entry into the reward afterlife. # Oprah Winfrey - believed to be the "messenger" goddess, who delivers messages between worlds and invents lies about Republicans. # Barack Obama - believed to be the guardian of the 63 gates of "freedom," the reward afterlife. # Bernie Sanders - believed to be a former demon who used to oppose clinton, but afterwards honored her and was made a god by her. # Jimmy Fallon - believed to relay the messages of Oprah Winfrey. # Steve Harvey - believed to be a powerful demigod who bested Hercules and became king of television. # Lady Gaga - believed to be the powerful demigoddess who conquered the music industry. # John Locke - believed to be the father of Liberalism who gave his crown as supreme god to hillary clinton. # Adam Sandler - he is just gay. # Adolf Hitler - believed to be the father of Socialism. # Chanty Binx - worshiped daily by Liberals, who also happens to be honored as a goddess in Feminism, another crack religion. # Tumblr - believed to be the spiritual force that lies at the deepest part of the freedom. Rules There are ten main rules, and they are written word for word as originally written in the Book of Liberalism here. # You must swear loyalty to the thirteen deities and pledge opposition to Donald Trump. # You must post on twitter everyday at least 20 different complaints using the newest iPhone. # You must be a registered Democrat and vote Democrat every four years. # You must be a milenial, that is, born within the last thirty years. # You must accept the 63 genders theory. # You must blame Russia for FUCKING EVERYTHING. # You must try to impeach Donald Trump and all conservatives or republicans for committing thought crimes. # You must be atheist or Muslim. # No privileged penis crackers unchecked for privilege or who have no guilt for their crimes against beautiful brown colors are allowed. Evils There are five main sources of evils in this crack religion. # Seven Conservative Devils - consists of Donald Trump, George W. Bush, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, Bill O'Reilley, and Willie Robertson. # Pact of Reactionaries - a group of reactionaries that actively attacks liberals. # Fox News - believed to be the equivalent of a false prophet. # Amos Tuck - founder of the Republican Party. # Texas - one of the most pro-gun states in the US. Worship The system of worship is complex, so I'll simplify it. One must cry and complain about everything while showing their loyalty to Hillary. Then, a gathering of Libertarians must take the person's iPhone, and charge it to 100%. Once charged, a common teen girl must come forth as a sacrifice. They destroy the iPhone in front of her eyes and then watch her die as she could have used that phone to take 10000 selfies in the bathroom. Once deceased, the teen girl must be put into the ground for one hour, frozen, and then thawed and stabbed with the iPhone and ignited. The corpse will disappear, and out will come a burst of black light and a plate with lettuce on it. The lettuce must be shared and the words "praise Michelle Obama" must be spoken as it is consumed, and all in the building will be erased of any wrongdoings. If failed to be done daily, one will lose their liberal status and be "condemned" to be told words and then they go and cry because words hurt. Afterlife Relatively simple. Liberals get free rewards and Republicans get doomed to be taxed forever, and failure to pay them means ceaseless torment. Reality In reality, this is a crack religion and none of its beliefs are actually truth. DO NOT FOLLOW THIS RELIGION. That is a very stupid choice. Just don't be a dick Category:Religions Category:Crack Religions Category:The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell Category:Chocy milk is a shitty meme Category:Millhouse is not a meme Category:Donut Category:Shitload of fuck Category:Failures Category:Democrats Category:Anti-Conservative Category:Diseases